Deeper Discussions on Divorce

Our church has recently been discussing the biblical teachings on sexuality, marriage, divorce, and remarriage. This is, of course, an astoundingly difficult subject both practically and morally, as well as exegetically and hermeneutically. The deeper into the issue you go, the more levels of complexity and confusion you find, and more differences of opinion between loved and respected pastors and teachers.

In that vein, you might be interested in this online conversation happening between two theologians from whom I’ve benefited greatly over the past few years—Doug Wilson, and Dominic Tenant. It concerns some of the finer/stickier points of when a wife may be allowed, biblically, to leave her husband.

It started with Pastor Wilson’s fictional letter to a wife considering leaving her husband over abuse and mistreatment.

Wilson has a fairly loose interpretation of Paul’s instruction in 1 Corinthians 7, so Dominic Tennant offered a few critiques of Wilson’s exegesis here.

Wilson responds and seeks to clarify here.

And Tenant replies once more.

I’ll let you know if anything more comes of it; I look forward to any further discussion.

Series on How to Compose a Doctrinal Statement

Below, you’ll find links to my series on how to develop and write a doctrinal statement. I’ve geared this toward churches specifically, but I hope it will be of some benefit to you personally as well. This also is my personal statement of faith (adapted for churches), so this will let you get to know me a little better as well.

Composing a Doctrinal Statement [section 9 part 3 — on Gender, Family, and Divorce]

Composing a doctrinal statement (or any other essential documents) can be one of the most arduous (but crucial) projects undertaken by a church. In this series, I’m sharing my own doctrinal statement in an attempt to provide a helpful example of a detailed statement that is worded positively, but articulated precisely enough to exclude certain theological positions for the protection and unity of the church.

Gender Relationships: We believe that God has created both men and women in His image — equal in value and in standing before Christ — but that He has delegated differing and complementary functions/roles to men and women within the family and the church. God created the man to be head over the woman as Christ is head over the church, and this headship is to find expression in both the marriage relationship and in the church. We hold to and affirm, in full, the Danvers Statement on manhood and womanhood [1].

(Genesis 1:27–28; 2:20–23; Deuteronomy 22:5; Romans 1:26–29; 1 Corinthians 11:3–16; 14:34; Galatians 3:28; Ephesians 5:18–33; Colossians 3:18-19; 1 Timothy 2:8–15; 1 Peter 3:1–7)

Family Relationships: We believe that God has ordained the family as the foundational institution of human society. The husband is to lead his wife, and to love her as Christ loves the church. The wife is to respect her husband, and to submit herself to the Scriptural leadership of her husband, as the church submits to the headship of Christ. Children are a heritage from the Lord, and are to be viewed as a blessing in fulfillment of the creation mandate for the glory of God. Parents are to seek to cultivate wisdom and virtue in their children by developing within them rightly-ordered beliefs, morals, and affections, that they may better know, glorify, and enjoy God. Parents are responsible to oversee their children’s spiritual and moral instruction, which includes a consistent lifestyle example and appropriate discipline (including Scriptural corporal correction).

(Genesis 1:26–28; Exodus 20:12; Deuteronomy 6:5–9; Psalm 127:3–5; Proverbs 19:18; 22:6, 15; 23:13–14; Mark 10:6–9; 1 Corinthians 7:1–7; Ephesians 5:18–33; 6:1–4; Colossians 3:18–21; 1 Peter 3:1–7)

Divorce and Remarriage: We believe that God disapproves of and forbids divorce, and intends marriage to last until the death of a spouse. Divorce is regarded as adultery except on the grounds of sexual immorality or the abandonment of an unbelieving spouse [2]. However, marriage to an unbeliever is not solely a legitimate ground for a divorce [3]. Reconciliation should always be the first recourse [4], with divorce being only a last resort, since any breaking of the marriage covenant is a grievous violation of God’s intended design [5]. Divorce is also permissible when a believer is in an ungodly union, such as a homosexual “marriage” [6].

(Malachi 2:14–16; Matthew 5:31–32; 19:3–12; Luke 16:18; Romans 7:1–3; 1 Corinthians 7:10–16, 39; 1 Timothy 3:2, 12; Titus 1:6)


1] Remember from the statement on the Scriptures that you can use a statement like this to reference an external document which then becomes as binding as your doctrinal statement.

2] There is a legitimate interpretation that views the abandonment of an unbelieving spouse (1 Cor 7:13–16) as the only ground for an allowable divorce (viewing Jesus’ statement regarding immorality as merely referring to when the adultery has happened, as opposed to giving a ground for acceptable divorce); however, I don’t hold this view, and instead interpret Jesus as allowing for divorce in the case of unrepentant sexual immorality on the part of one spouse.

3] I’ve heard of people using this as an excuse to get a divorce. However, Paul doesn’t seem to allow for the believer to initiate the divorce, but rather to merely agree to it if the unbeliever insists.

4] In fact, if a divorce happens and it was unbiblical, the two parties are to remain unmarried in order to allow for reconciliation. It is only after reconciliation is no longer possible (such as when one person wrongfully remarries) that the other person is biblically allowed to remarry.

5] If we took this to heart, there would be far less divorce in the church.

6] This statement explains how the church can respond to the situation of a homosexual couple that gets saved and wishes to conform their lives to God’s standards. The church can, and should, counsel that couple to legally end their union. This is allowable because we understand that, according to the biblical defintion, a homosexual union is not a true marriage in the first place, and the couple is living in a sinful, though legal, union that must be broken off in order to obey and glorify Christ and pursue a life of discipleship.

Some Thoughts on Divorce and Remarriage

When it comes to the questions surrounding divorce and remarriage, it is crucial for believers to approach the discussion with love and grace, as well as a firm commitment to the authority of Scripture. The foundational truth regarding marriage is that God created man and woman to be joined together in a life-long covenant of marriage, with no exceptions. Jesus affirms this understanding in Mark 10:6-9 when he cites the Creation account and emphasizes that “what God has joined together, man must not separate.” Since divorce is a tearing asunder of the one-flesh union God designed for marriage, divorce is a violation of the creation mandate of the marriage covenant being for one man and one woman to be united exclusively to one another for life. As Jesus says in Mark 10:11-12, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her. Also, if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.” Divorce is such a heinous violation of the creation design for marriage that in fact Malachi 2:15-16 says that God hates divorce, calling it “treachery.”

However, the reality of this fallen world is that people, both saved and unsaved, do divorce, and churches will inevitably have members who will divorce, or who have been divorced in the past. Scripture acknowledges this reality, and gives several narrow guidelines for dealing biblically with questions of divorce and remarriage. The model for marital faithfulness is God himself, with a prime example given in the book of Hosea, where we see Yahweh remaining faithful to His covenant with His people despite Israel’s sinful unfaithfulness and countless failures. However, Moses, Jesus, and Paul all recognized that this ideal would not always be met, and thus restrictions and safeguards were given both in the Old and New Testaments “to correct the failure or to limit the damage where uncorrectable” (Intro to Biblical Ethics).

The primary relevant texts on the topic are Matthew 5:31-32, Matthew 19:8-9, Luke 16:18, and 1 Corinthians 7:10-16. In Luke 16:18, Jesus states that anyone who divorces their spouse commits adultery, and anyone who marries a (wrongly) divorced person commits adultery. In the Matthew passages, however, there is an exception given. Anyone who divorces their spouse, except for a case of sexual immorality, commits adultery, and causes their spouse to commit adultery. There is much discussion and disagreement over what is included in this “sexual immorality” that allows for divorce. It seems reasonable to include any act of unfaithfulness (sexual acts with someone other than one’s spouse), but beyond that, it is unclear.

In both the Jewish and Greco-Roman cultures, a certificate of divorce was a dissolution of the marriage. Thus, remarriage to another was assumed in the case of a divorce. Therefore, it is reasonable to interpret Jesus’ instruction on when divorce is allowed as also speaking directly to when remarriage is allowed. In other words, when a divorce is justified (which is limited to a case of sexual immorality on the part of at least one spouse), the divorced spouse is free to remarry.

Paul gives one more circumstance in which divorce (and thus remarriage) is permissible. In 1 Corinthians 7:12-16, Paul explains that if a believer and unbeliever are married (presumably because one of them has been saved since marriage while the other remains unsaved), the believing spouse should not seek a divorce, but stay in the marriage (vv. 12-14). However, if the unbelieving spouse abandons the believing spouse, then the believer is free to let them leave, and to agree to the divorce, since, as Paul says, the believer “is not bound in such cases.”

It must be noted, in each of these situations, that reconciliation is to be preferred, since the breaking of the marriage covenant is a grievous violation of God’s intended design. Thus, wisdom would indicate that these exceptions only truly apply if the faithful, believing spouse approaches the issue with love, humility, peace, and a desire for Christ’s glory. God’s perfect design is that a man “leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife” (Genesis 2:24), and that the two never be separated (Matthew 19:6). Because of our fallen nature, people will constantly fail to conform to God’s good design. Thus, we must approach each individual case of divorce and remarriage with care, compassion, discernment, and commitment to the authoritative instruction of Scripture.

Staying Power

There is a crisis in our culture today – a pandemic – that has become so prevalent, so ubiquitous, that it is viewed as normal, innocuous, and even natural… and we must fight against it.

The issue I’m talking about is divorce. The heartbreaking reality is that divorce is now a norm – it’s basically to be expected. A family restaurant in Portland once had this statement in their ads: “We’ll cater for your weddings, for your rehearsal dinners, for your showers, your anniversaries, your birthdays, and your divorces.” The author Stu Weber puts it this way: “To our society’s blurred and perverted way of thinking, separation and divorce have become a ‘natural’ part of the flow of life. The unthinkable has become not only ‘thinkable,’ but the expected thing.”

How can this be? Why has divorce become so common? Why are men and women alike so quick to give up so easily, just because things get hard? (And it is almost as common amongst professing Christians as it is in the secular world). Well, I don’t think the women are innocent in this, but since I am a man, I will talk to the men. I think the number one problem is that men no longer have staying power.

Staying Power 1Staying power is that quality that enables a man to persevere, to hold fast, to stand firm. In his letter to scattered and suffering Christians, James termed that same quality “perseverance.” Paul often gives us the command to “stand firm.” The word translated “stand firm” is the word stete. This is the word the Roman soldiers would shout to each other as they were in their unbreakable formation. They would call to each other to stand firm ­– to hold their ground. It is a word that means “to stay, unmovable, in the task which you have started, because you know it’s the right thing to do” (Gene Cunningham). This is a man’s greatest strength, and highest virtue – the ability to stay, no matter what.

The ultimate example of this virtue in the Old Testament, is Job. A completely righteous man, Job lost everything he loved and everything he owned, at no fault of his own. His friends degraded him; his wife urged him to “curse God and die.” If anyone had a reason to give up and quit, it was Job. And yet he stays faithful to God. As you read through the book of Job, there is a sense of permanence to Job. He is strong, stable, secure in who he is before God, and he remains consistent throughout his trials. In Job 13:15 we see the ultimate statement of trust in God, and it has become my life verse – “Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.” You see, Job’s security did not rest in what he owned, in what he could achieve, in people he knew, in his status in the community; Job’s identity and security rested in Yahweh.

A man’s greatest strength is the ability to “stay by the stuff.” To stand, unmovable, rooted in the security of who he is before God.

“The ability to make and keep promises is central to manhood. It may be trite to say that ‘a man’s word is his bond’ but it is never trite to see it in action. It is a man at his best – giving his word and making good on it, making a promise and keeping it. The calling of every man is to offer stability to a world of chaos. Certainty to a jungle of unpredictability. Consistency to a world of flux. Security to an insecure place” (Stu Weber, Tender Warrior, pg. 59).

Wooden_stake_holding_guy_ropeBut these days, if a marriage gets hard, the automatic response is to give up on it. A friend of mine said that someone once told him that since his marriage was hard, it probably meant that he didn’t marry the right woman and that he should consider getting a divorce and looking for the right one. Can you believe that? To me, that’s shocking, mind-boggling, and sickening…

But what is the solution? If your marriage is in shambles, how do you respond? Well, I think it all comes down to commitment. Recognize the sacred vow you’ve made before God and family, and keep your word. That’s what makes a man a man. When my parents were growing up, if something wasn’t working right, you didn’t just throw it away, you fixed it.

1 Peter 3:7 tells men to live with their wives in an understanding way. But when men can’t seem to understand their wives after a few years, they give up. Instead, I would exhort men to work at it… don’t give up… stay at it. Let your yes be yes. So many men give up after a few years of faltering. But real men don’t have that option. Godly men do not have that option. A man stands firm. A man endures. A man keeps his word. A man stays.

Somewhere along the line people started getting into theirs heads that they deserve whatever they feel like having at any given point in time. But since when is our personal selfish desire ever the gauge by which we measure the rightness of our actions? Honestly, it all comes down to whether or not men are willing to obey the Word of God. God commands us as men to love our wives as Christ loves the church. This is a self-sacrificial, undying, unconditional love. Christ has never given up on His people, and never will. So any man who claims to follow Christ should never be seen giving up on his responsibility to love his wife selflessly and unconditionally.

A man who serves Christ should be a man to whom people can look as someone constant in a culture of non-commitment; someone stable in a world of chaos; someone who stays, amongst a multitude of boys who retreat. A man’s greatest strength is his staying power.